i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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