you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
