After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize