sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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