I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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