Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
