FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
