just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
