They should really pass out barf bags in church
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
