Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
