I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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