I think I died a long time ago.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
