You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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