I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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