I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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