Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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