Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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