I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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