so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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