I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
