explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
