this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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