sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
