just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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