That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
