Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He has the fingertips of a God
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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