i love accidental penises.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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