YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
