I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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