U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
