My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
