I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
