in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
