Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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