I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
