Screwed.edu
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
