Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
