my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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