I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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