and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
