i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
