Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
