hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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