Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
