Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
