I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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