the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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