it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
