He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
