I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
