I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
