Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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