im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We named our party play list daddy issues
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
