How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
