I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
