you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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