why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
