he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
