Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I met the friendliest cop last night
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
